need to pour everything out here.
dear mom, or however i used to call you this. i really hate how you don't spare a thought for my feelings and hurt me with all the words you used. and it's impossible for me to get you to try to understand what i really feel, even when i'm so broken from all that you've made me feel. i used to cry my heart out each time we quarrel but i reckon yesterday night's was the last straw. i didn't even shed a tear after we were over, literally. only after some time i did cry but only because i was disappointed. today you gave me a text saying you were sorry for everything, you know how i felt? like a fucking toy. can i stab you in the heart a thousand times then apologise for it wanting everything to be ok? saying sorry doesn't always make everything okay.
was talking to baby over lunch yesterday. about my past. and seriously speaking even if everyone saw us as a very "oh so sweet" and happy couple but fuck no that was only the surface. in fact, you treat me lik shit despite constantly telling me you loved me most. remember how every quarrels escalated to a worser and worser state? once you fucking pushed me and i fell, scraped my hands and sprained my ankle. still fucking shouted at me in public. and you think a sorry can make everything okay? remember once we quarrelled outside your house and all the way till below your block you just sat on the fucking floor and cried thinking i wanted to leave early when I actually needed to? that was stupid. you said you trusted me and this is what you do? you said you'll never hurt me physically and this is what you do? honestly speaking my feelings for you died the day you hurt me physically because it took away all the trust i had in you thinking you will never hurt me.
the reason why i'm saying all these only now is because i just came to realise how fucking glad things has changed right now. i'm glad i left. i'm glad i found someone better, way better and also someone who doesn't mind my awful past.
you're just somebody who ruined part of my life and i'm glad it's just a part. i was naive and stupid in the past but not anymore. to hell with all the promises you broke before me.
one thing i can be so glad is having someone whom i can rely on for everything and trust wholeheartedly, someone who doesn't assume and someone who makes it a point to keep mutual honesty between us so nobody will never get the benefit of the doubt. it doesn't matter if he doesn't have the time for me because he has to work but he always makes it a point to call me when he ends work and reaches home even when i told him there's no need to. no matter how tired he is he still stays up every night to chat with me online because he thinks he has neglected me. every time we go on webcam he's the funniest guy ever and always ask me to do the flower. okay this is an inside joke hahahaha. i like how i can tell him my problems without hesitations or awkwardness and he'll take them in and either assure me or cheer me up. i like how he always turns back after he left just to say 'i love you'. i just love everything about this silly boy.
xx